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master_smash
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Name: Tim
Location: United States
Gender: Male
Interests: football, breathing, biking, d&d, life, nintendo video games, breaking stuff, arguing, almost all rock and metal, collecting useless information, fighting, smashing computer equipment
Expertise: breaking stuff, getting on peoples nerves, being an asshole... real people skills huh?
Occupation: Other
Industry: Other
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  zonbatow
Member Since:
11/6/2005
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| So, just woke up and all I really have to say is that Nate was right. Trying to piss through morning wood is almost impossible, need to do like a stall on the tank of the toilet.
In other news get a random tell from a chick on WoW, she lives in Wisconsin, and heard I do to. More importantly we both live in Nenah. She's extremely flirty , and I don't really know how to handle it. Kinda cool, just a bit wary of the whole "met online" thing.
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| Wanna take a moment and just reflect upon Friday. Well, technically it goes on into Saturday but I count days by my sleep cycle, not the passage of time.
Anyways, here we go. I was going about my normal duties and was at the point where I was cleaning the entryway to the building. A mother and her son walked in and went to Red Cross, something I've seen countless times. What was different was that on the way out the son stopped and pulled out his phone, and asked if he could please take my picture because he thought I look like a younger Bam Margera. Now personally I don't think this, but I smiled and said sure. He took the pic, thanked me, and went on his way, a huge smile on his face. That was an amazingly good feeling, and one I'm not used to. I made someone happy, and caused a bright smile on the face of a stranger, simply by existing. Since usually I'm either ignored or looked upon with suspicion, I welcomed this event.
Now about an hour to an hour and a half later I was still feeling good, still at work, only now I was cleaning the Neenah-Menasha alternative school, for kids who need a small group environment because they have had learnign disabilities or things like that. Anyways, there was food, particularly oranges, splattered all over the floors and on some walls. It was frustrating, but all part of my job. Eventually, however, it got to me, and I said "Geez, are you people really that retar-" And then stopped. Because yes, in fact, some of them are, to some extent. Now I don't expect anyone to be perfect, but I judge people rather harshly, keeping my feelings to myself, and I feel that if I'm going to compare people to these standards, I'm going to strive for them. That means being sensitive of other people's positions and not hurting anyone in any way if at all possible. As high as the event earlier took me, this dragged me down just as low, possibly further. I actually had to stop and just sit down and compose myself. I know calling people retarded is fairly normal for my age group, but it just made me feel terrible. I strive so hard for perfection, to be a truly good person, which I myself say is impossible, since I'm human and by definition imperfect, but I fucking try. I suppose I could say it shows good that I'm remorseful, but I'd rather not have to be remorseful at all. It may not be a very big incident to others, but it's huge to me.
So the day moves on, and now it's 1:15 am, and I'm bored and thirsty, so I decide to ride my bike to Wal-Mart. In the rain. In the grand scheme of things Wal-Mart isn't very far from my home, but it's a decent ride on a bike. Being there was uneventful, what I think of most is the ride home. I had spent 2 hours just wandering through the store, and when I got outside it was no longer raining, but snowing. That ride home filled me with a serenity I hadn't known for a long time. I love the night, especially when clouds fill the sky. The passage of time has no meaning...it can appear the same for hours at a time, whereas the day is constantly changing. Add the gently falling snow, tiny crystals falling from the heavens, and I was calm. Not happy, angry, lonely, or any emotions like that. The cold didn't bother me. Just at peace, with myself and everything around me.
And so I returned home and my day ended, having reached both ends of the emotional spectrum, ending in an unusual peace. That feeling of balance helped revitalize me, in a way. I now know the feeling I would love most, and am able to accept I'll slip up, and things may be hard on me, but they will pass, and life will move on. I just have to find my place and flow with it.
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| Anger...consumes me.
Not in the way a lot of people say though. I'm not angsty or emo or anything, I don't think the world is out to get me or anything like that.
I'm just angry. At nothing, for no reason. It boils beneath the surface, barely under my control. I protect other people from myself, I know they have nothing to do with it. But sometimes it comes close.
I just need something to lash out at, I used to have so many things around here but oddly all of them got trashed to the point of being thrown out. Funny that.
I need to figure myself out, asap. | | |
| Clouds roll in...
Cool drops fall from the heavens,
Bringing respite from the heat of the day
A gentle caress upon your cheek,
As you welcome me as a friend
A heavier veil is drawn...
Larger drops begin to pour,
Completely soaking those who welcome me
A more insistent press,
As you seek to discover my true nature
The horizon darkens...
Lightning and thunder crash with me,
Causing you to seek shelter
A fury builds within,
As you wish for me to go
Black clouds take hold...
The wind howls and a furious downpour begins,
Pounding upon your shelter and shields
Trees shake and houses tremble,
As I shake the very foundations of life
Suddenly, the sun shines...
A gentle serenity belies the horrors recently unleashed,
For a trail of tears and pain follows my wake
Everything is silent and peaceful,
And I'll soon be a faded, forgotten memory
The storm will rise again...
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| A decrepit home stands,
A breeze blows through the Dusty attic,
The Shadow of the basement deepens,
There is no more Bandit lurking in the kitchen
Snow falls gently on the home,
Mandie's track has been blow over for the last time,
The precious Snowball has been lost,
A frisbee is the only sign of our Kallie.
I stand, Razzle'd, before this home,
The Kitty-shaped cushion on the couch is gone,
The home is silent, Roxy's has danced her final show,
And I sit longing for the black and white Taxi that left far too soon.
All of you who touched my life so closely,
Forever I will love you,
And I will take this home and place it in my heart,
Your memories will forever live within.
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This is a re-write of a poem I made in Freshman year of high school and sadly lost. It has been updated to include recent losses. For anyone who is confused this is a tribute to my pets, there are 10 of them. Each of them is important to me, as are their memories. I don't care if you like it or not, that's not the point. The point is for me to keep their memories alive and fresh. I cried, a lot, when writing this, but by the end I was smiling.
My cats: Kitty, Shadow, Razzle, and Taxi
My dogs: Roxy, Kallie, Dusty, Mandie, and Bandit
My hamster: Snowball.
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